


Behind Blue Eyes

by Polarnacht



Series: Rare Pair [2]
Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Love, Parent-Child Relationship, Running Away, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24009457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: No one knows what it’s like to watch your son grow up without you. No one knows what it’s like to see the wrong which is done to him and do nothing about it. No one knows what it’s like to look into the mirror and to realize that you are the bad man in this story. No one knows and no one is supposed to know. No one but Luke.
Relationships: Luke Garroway/Maryse Lightwood
Series: Rare Pair [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733230
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25
Collections: Shadowhunters Challenges - Rare Pairs





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Title&Song: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes
> 
> Written for the "Shadowhunters Challenges - Rare Pairs"

_No one knows what it’s like_ _  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes_

It was said that Nephilim loved only once in their life. When they fell, they fell hard and deep, and usually it happened when they were very young. Lucian Graymark was no exception to that rule.

Lucian was in love with Jocelyn Fairchild before he even knew what love was. They grew up living next to each other and spent nearly every day together, as well as many nights, having a closer relationship than some siblings. Yet, the affection Lucian felt towards Jocelyn was not the affection of a brother, but he was too young to truly understand his feelings.

When they grew older, both joined the Shadowhunter Academy, where they met Valentine Morgenstern and his followers. The shining blond boy intrigued both and soon Valentine and Luke became Parabatai.

After the gruesome death of Valentine’s father, Jocelyn fell for him, her heart as always drawn towards someone in need. The moment Luke watched the two dearest people in his life kiss, the moment he realized that what he had felt for Jocelyn had been more than friendship. It had been love, all along. It still was. But the realization came too late.

Lucian bottled up all his feelings, all the pain and despair he felt, determined to keep it hidden. He stood by and watched the love of his life marry his Parabatai, the platonic love of his life. He even was their best man. That night, he drunk so much he nearly blacked out, the more alcohol the better to numb the pain and to forget. But forgetting was hard, even harder when you heard their happy laughter ringing in your ears the whole evening.

The alcohol helped at least a bit, but what helped even better was Maryse Lightwood. She was equally drunk, newly wedded to Robert, but already on the run from the coldness of their marriage. They made out in a dark corner of the garden behind the bushes, hidden from the view of the other guests, but in the spotlight of their temporary desires.

Lucian knew that he betrayed his friend Robert and what was even worse, that he betrayed his love to Jocelyn. But he just couldn’t stop and neither could Maryse, both lost in the rush of the moment and both hiding from their true feelings, both aware that what they were doing was wrong. But wrong had seldom felt better than when Maryse was straddling his thighs, riding him, her head thrown back and her eyes closed, her long brown hair covering her naked breasts, her mouth slightly open in a silent moan.

The rude awakening came when Maryse realized that she was pregnant. Lucian looked at her, wide eyed, shocked. He was not ready to be a father. But Maryse was not there to make a father out of him, she was there to end an affair, which should have never started in the first place. She told Lucian that she was certain that the child was Robert’s.

A few weeks later, Lucian was bidden by a werewolf. To his horror and relief, he turned. He was terrified of the new life that lay ahead of him, but relieved to have a reason to run, to flee the nightmare which had become his life. A reason to flee from Jocelyn’s happiness and Maryse’s growing belly, from the shame and guilt. And the secret longing for the unborn child to be his.

Lucian’s first notion was to run as fast and far as he could. But on his way through Brocelind Forest, the woods which surrounded Idris, he came across an Alpha wolf. The complete loss of his former life made him reckless, challenging the Alpha, half hoping to win, half hoping to loose. He won and became the new pack leader. Lucian stayed, but never planned to return to the world of Nephilim.

But the rumors spread that the Circle was about to seize power, planning to murder the leaders of the Downworld while they were gathering to sign the Accords in Idris. Luke just couldn’t stand by and watch innocent people getting murdered. He fought alongside the Downworld and to his surprise, they defeated Valentine. Most Circle members fled, among them Maryse and Robert.

Lucian didn’t know what made him do it, but he followed them to their house, where a small boy was waiting for them. Their son. But when Lucian saw his eyes, piercing blue eyes, he knew it was not their son. All Lightwoods had brown eyes and so had the Truebloods. This boy just looked like Lucian’s sister, Amatis when she had been a toddler. The boy looked like himself, it was as if he stared into a mirror, Alec’s eyes being just of the same shade of blue than his own. He gasped in surprise, the noise startling Maryse. Blade in hand, she reached for the door and caught Lucian staring through the window at her son. Their son. The expression in her eyes made Lucian shiver, Maryse knew that her little boy was not Robert’s. But the cocked eyebrow, the thin line of her mouth and the determination in her gaze made Lucian back off. With a last glance, he turned around, changing into his wolf form while running away from Maryse and Alec, his son.

***

Lucian fled to New York, like so many other lost people. New York swallowed him, he cut all ties with his former life, changing his name form Lucian Graymark to Luke Garroway. He became a bookstore owner, hiding in the mundane world from his past.

One day his lost love Jocelyn showed up, holding a small suitcase in one hand and a small redheaded girl in the other. There was no way Luke could send her away. Not after Alec. Not after seeing his own blue eyes in the face of a small boy.

Instead of being a father to his own son, Luke became a father to Clary. Jocelyn decided to let Clary live in the dark, to not tell her about the Shadow World. Luke didn’t support this decision, but he lived the lie nevertheless, just as he lived so many other lies. He loved Clary, but loving another child didn’t make up for not loving your own. Luke knew that, yet, he didn’t act on it. Instead, he kept his unspoken promise to Maryse. He never contacted Alec, never got to know him, never told him the truth.

He just stood at the sidelines and watched. He saw the small little boy turn into a serious child, who was already a leader at the age of ten. He heard the stories how smitten Alec was with Raphael Santiago when they met for the first time, and his heart ached for his son. He knew how prejudiced Robert was and he knew, he would never accept and love Alec for what he was. He watched Jace enter Alec’s life and turn it upside down. He watched Alec drown in his parents' demands, rules and coldness, but did nothing to prevent it. He even watched Clary stumble in Alec’s life and tear everything apart he had ever built. The only thing what he was no longer able to watch, was his own image in the mirror. The man he had become was too painful to watch, even for him.

_No one knows what it's like_ _  
To be the bad man  
To be the sad man  
Behind blue eyes  
And no one knows what it's like  
To be hated  
To be faded to telling only lies_

_Limp Bizkit – Behind Blue Eyes_

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are loved 💙


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